I’m a 28 year old single black woman living and battling long-term clinical depression alone in a city where I don’t know many people. I’m relatively introverted and spend most of my free-time alone, recovering from my current job that requires me to be superficially social for 40+ hours a week.
The older and more isolated I get, the more I desire more meaningful and mutually beneficial relationships. There’s just one main obstacle blocking that blessing: I never knew how to need people.
As a young child, I would spend hours alone in my bedroom enjoying my own imagination. Whether I was teaching a class of Cabbage Patch Kids math, bopping to TLC’s “Fanmail” cassette in my Walkman, or watching the Spice Girls movie back-to-back, I lived in my own bubble and only occasionally invited visitors. Unless I was severely hurt or hungry, I tried my best to be independent at home despite being the youngest of my blended family’s five children.
Unfortunately, as a preteen, I started being the target of school bullying. Around the same time, my parents began having health issues. Being made fun of at school for my weight seemed insignificant to my mom’s many trips to the ER following her seizures. My grades went from straight A’s to F’s, I was skipping classes, hiding in the bathroom at lunch, and occasionally getting in physical altercations with bullies. I began emotionally withdrawing from school, friends, and even my family.
By the time I was a young adult, I wasn’t just independent- I was downright invisible. The only time most people saw me was when they needed something. Bullies saw me when they needed a loser to clown or a dollar for snacks. My classmates saw me when they needed the answers to a worksheet or a partner that would do all the work for a project. My friends saw me when they needed a ride home from school or someone to help shoplift.
My parents saw me when they needed someone to help during a medical crisis or wanted to vent about their marriage and finances. My sisters saw me when they needed a babysitter. My brother saw me when our parents were in the hospital or out of town and someone needed to cook and clean in their absence. Boyfriends saw me when they needed me to help repair their fragile egos. Bosses and managers saw me when they needed someone to work twice as hard for a fraction of the pay. Over time, I simply adapted to putting everyone else’s needs before my own, and accepted certain dynamics in relationships that have damaged my self-worth.
At age 28, I’ve hardly had the audacity of needing anyone or anything meaningful from them for almost two decades. Even in times where I’ve been extremely depleted in multiple areas, I’ve resisted relying on anyone wholly. I’ve never bundled fiscal and mental health, nor sought spiritual and occupational support from the same source. I’ve never let intimacy intertwine with insecurity, or laughter mingle with fear.
I realize that Reparenting is a difficult process, but I don’t intend to spend the rest of my life not having my needs seen and validated. Even though attempts to be more dynamic and transparent in past and current relationships have failed, I’m optimistic that somewhere in this world exists the same energy and empathy I’ve been exuding my entire life. It’s just a matter of learning new ways of communicating needs, then opening myself back up to receiving that support.
I hope my journey can inspire or help others.
MOCHA&MOSCATO 